Enigmatic and Ethereal

July 2, 2012 by scillagrace

The land is parched. It hasn’t rained for more than two weeks, and that was just a shower, really. Clouds gather and pass, rain pummels areas just to the north or south or west, but not here. Water vapor hangs in the air; the humidity makes the evenings sticky. The ceiling fan keeps up a tinny hum, the slight breeze causing a cooling evaporation on the surface of my exposed skin as I try not to move. Oh, but if I inch over the cotton sheet, I might find a cooler surface…just there…maybe?

I glance out the window to see if the maple leaves are moving, quivering, even a little bit. They are still, and the moon is full. It looks so cool and pale in the dark sea above. I have to go outside and stand under it. Perhaps its snow white radiance will bring an icy wind from space. I invite Steve to join me for a night walk. I put on just a sheer sundress, slip into sneakers, and grab my camera. The neighborhood is quiet. Televisions and air-conditioners keep the people shut up inside their suburban catacombs while we explore the world above…above the rooftops, above the concrete, above the tangible, above and beyond comprehension. Where we are is no longer “Milwaukee”, it is in space, outside of time, anywhere and everywhere. We are moving through existence. We are.

Pondering Ponds

June 9, 2012 by scillagrace

Gazing into the pond, pondering its many levels. What lurks in the depths? What ripples the surface? What is reflected from far above? Can you catch the sun dancing across it on a breeze? Does any creature understand all the dimensions of his environment at once?

Wishing you cool, green, dappled quiet pondering!

The Kiss

June 8, 2012 by scillagrace

A selection from my file marked “Widow’s Story”:

“I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I found out that he was in the same English class as my older sister, so I gave her a note to pass to him. I fastened it with a safety pin because I didn’t want her to read it. It was decorated with doodles and stuff, like a goofy schoolgirl with a crush would send. Basically, I offered to make him a cassette tape of my parents’ PDQ Bach album because I knew he was learning some of the madrigal pieces in choir and found them very funny. He sent me a note back, or spoke to me, and we agreed that I would give him that gift the next day before he got on the bus to go to the beach with the Senior class for Sneak Day. So, early on the morning of June 8, 1978, I waited outside the school near the cul de sac where the buses would board. He came bounding up to me when he saw me, and I greeted him with a big smile, handed him the tape and wished him a good day at the beach. He smiled back with his dazzling grin, thanked me and then leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. He smiled again, turned and boarded the bus. I stood dazed on the steps for a few seconds before running off to class with a secret smirk planted on my face that must have lasted days. We talked about that first kiss a lot over the years. We celebrated that kiss forever after. At first, it was the 8^th of every month that we gave each other anniversary cards and letters. Then, it was the yearly Kiss Anniversary presents of Hershey’s kisses. For 29 years we did that, sharing our chocolate mementos with children and co-workers and whoever was around on that June day to hear the story.

After the kiss came the letters. In the first one he wrote me, he said, “This is the first in a series that I will affectionately call ‘Letters to Priscilla’. In 20 years, you can toss them onto the fire and say to your husband, ‘Well, they were some good after all.’ But then again, in 20 years, maybe I’ll be your husband. Wink, wink.” He wrote that letter the night of that Senior Sneak Day. The day of our first kiss. Did he know?

The energy of that June day returned to me this morning. Lying awake beside my open window, feeling the coolness of the morning air and the promise of sunshine and heat to come, the scent of freshly-mowed grass recalled to me the old high school lawn. A certain excitement, the world about to turn in a new direction, the feeling that my real life might just be even more wonderful than my fantasies, and the realization that finally, I didn’t want to be anyone else except the person I actually am, set that energy flowing in a trickle down my face. This may be the path to acceptance after all.

Photo credit: my little brother, aged 7. I set the shot up for him on my Canon AE-1 (a gift from Jim) and asked him to do this favor for me so that I’d have a picture to take away to college. What 7 year old kid would take a photo of his big sister kissing her boyfriend? A sweet, generous one. Thanks, David. Always grateful.

The Man of My Dreams

June 6, 2012 by scillagrace

A song from the past floats into my head as I’m falling asleep. I’m a teenager, listening to one of the first albums I bought with my own money. Barbra Streisand: A Star is Born. It’s the end of the story. Esther Hoffman Howard is a widow, taking the stage for the first time since the accident. “With one more look at you…” she begins. “I want one more look at you.” I want one more chance to put it all together and make it make sense.

My husband Jim is in my dreams again. But I don’t know I’m dreaming. I can touch him. I feel his hair, strangely coarse, actually, compared to the thick, loosely curled, soft stuff I remember. But he’s there, in the flesh, inexplicably, and so am I. I want answers. How is it you’re here again, and so often? Was I wrong when I thought you’d died? Has there been a mistake? Are you back for good? Where, exactly, have you been? Speak to me.

He begins to talk, and I hang on every word. He is telling me the secrets of the Universe, of life and death, and I had better remember this accurately later, when I wake up. When I wake up…does that mean that this is just a dream? Logic gets all loose and wiggly again, and consciousness creeps back into my head. Suddenly, I’m awake and sweating hot. I’m in a room by an open window on a street in suburban Milwaukee. And this doesn’t seem to make much sense, either.

Anger. Denial. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. What are the emotions driving these dreams? What is my subconscious trying so hard to reconcile? I keep struggling for meaning. I am angry, I suppose. I deny that Jim died at the age of 47. That was too soon. It doesn’t fit into my perception of How Things Ought To Be. I do not accept it. Even now, more than four years later. Although, even in my dreams, I know that he is dead, and that is Real.

Enlightenment is, roughly, when you accept all that is…without the ‘you’. Ego is inconsequential. Acceptance, peace, wholeness. All Is. I guess I’m not at that point yet. I work on it through the night. I imagine Jim trying to help me out, but his input just confuses me. And I’m still too involved, trying too hard to wrap my little brain around the incomprehensible. How can I simply let it go? Accept ambiguity. Accept mystery. Accept it all. Accept. Accept.

I Love My Mom

June 4, 2012 by scillagrace

My mother makes a very satisfactory leader of my Fan Club. She is, undoubtedly, First Fan, as many mothers are. The hallmark of her grace is in the way she embodies this position, not simply as a role, but as a genuine expression. I never get the feeling that she encourages me out of obligation. I believe she really likes me. What a stroke of good fortune!

This morning I got an e-mail from her titled “catching up on the blogs”. I felt her heart bubbling over like she had just emerged from an afternoon reading a favorite novel. She had associations, appreciations, memories, connections to share, like her synapses were fireworks going off. From a reader to a writer, this has got to be the highest praise. She started off by remarking, in all caps, that there has to be a book in this somewhere and that she wants an autographed first edition. Aw, Mom!

My mom is not a literary push over. She has a degree in English from Radcliffe (now coed with Harvard). She devours books regularly and always has. Her typical posture these days is sitting in her high-backed rocker with knitting in hand, book strapped in on her reading stand, mind and fingers flying. She used to hide away in her bedroom with a bag of snacks and emerge an hour or so later with renewed energy to tackle her household obligations, sporting a kind of secret glow. Get her talking about one of her recent historical sagas, and she will enthusiastically engage for hours! I love seeing her pull thoughts that have been carefully laid aside like unmatched socks and bundle them together with a flourish of discovery and pride.

She recently told me that her doctor mentioned her good prospects for living another 20 years. That would make her 97; she wasn’t sure she’d want to live that long. But think of all the books you could still read! Or that could be read to you, if the cataracts cause the eyes to fail. I can still hear my father’s voice reading to her behind the bedroom door. His partnership to her intellectually was so rich, until Alzheimer’s whittled his brain away. I wonder if she feels the same phantom guilt I have in enjoying a healthy body and a sound mind after our husbands’ deaths. Well, I suppose consciousness is a responsibility to approach with reverence. We live, we feel, we think, we read, we make connections still. May we both bring life and light to the world like fireworks, Mom, as long as we are able.

Mom (photo credit: DKK)

Sale Season

June 1, 2012 by scillagrace

Happy First of June! It’s Garage/Yard/Rummage/Estate Sale season, and Steve is prowling the streets looking for used books and anything else that strikes his fancy. He came home today excited by a “find” he had made and eager to get my reaction. It wasn’t what he hoped for. He dug a little deeper, and I burst into tears. Poor guy! It must be tough living with a hormonal woman after all those years as a bachelor.

So, what exactly were my emotions? That’s always an interesting question to ask when the gates are down and everything is flowing, so to speak. I recognize that my typical posture is self-denial. I defer, I sacrifice, I put others before me. I was taught that was how “good Christian women” behave. So I’ve been living with Steve for a year and a half now, in his duplex, with all his stuff, his book business and collections and whatnot, without so much as a closet for my own things. He promised me a closet a year ago. “My” closet is stacked 6 rows deep in his books. Still. My photographs, in albums and framed pictures, are in his storage unit because there’s no room for them here. I miss having them available to look at when I’m feeling sentimental. That’s one angle. Here’s another. My late husband was a lot more materialistic than I am, too. He liked to spend his earnings on toys and gadgets and things that struck his fancy. The stuff he brought home was not second-hand, garage sale-priced stuff. It was usually the latest thing. I rarely saw the need for these purchases or agreed to the justifications, but I practiced swallowing my opinions because, hey, it was his money.

What do I really care about? It’s not about stuff, really. It’s about identity. Who am I when my environment is being shaped by someone else? I am the lady who loves baby pictures of her grown-up kids. I am the lady with a collection of elephant-shaped things. I am the lady with a few very sentimental pieces of jewelry. I have a million stories illustrated by artifacts which are now hidden away. I would like to tell my stories, display my pictures, showcase my collections and clear away the stuff that overpowers them. Or at least blend them with my partner’s. Equally. Fortunately, equality is really important to Steve, and he loved putting together “our museum case”, and he loves it when I stop deferring and actually tell him how I feel. So I told him.

Here are some photos I took last Friday of the Dodge Antique store in Algoma, owned by “Tom”.

There’s a sausage press just like this one in the Schottler Summer Kitchen at Old World Wisconsin, where I work.

Memorial Day

May 28, 2012 by scillagrace

Steve and I are headed for adventure again today, an opportunity to make more memories! This time, we have to remember to feed Steve before he gets all ornery. This was taken on Friday when we finally found a restaurant. Food was ordered, but hadn’t arrived at table when I caught his listless expression.

Keeping family members in mind today: Alice, Jim, and Dad; and Steve’s Dad, too. Blue skies and wispy clouds remind me of the great unknown adventure they are having today.

Lake Effect

May 27, 2012 by scillagrace

Memorial Day weekend. Boats wind their way down suburban streets in search of water. Summertime’s officially opened. Here in Wisconsin, there are lots of little lakes and one Big Lake, Lake Michigan. Steve and I found our way to the shore on Friday, where we were taken for the first of the summer traffic. We stopped south of Door County (which is way too commercialized) and met some of the locals in Algoma. Two guys named Tom told us their stories: one owns an antique store, the other is handicapped and zips around town in an electric car that looks like a mini Smart Car with a yellow caution siren on top. Both of them invited us to go visit their barns and have a beer with them later. Unfortunately, we had to drive back to Milwaukee right after our early supper. I can picture us becoming a pair of “colorful locals” some place. Steve, with his long ponytail, and me “au naturale” (meaning without makeup or coif) — we look like aging hippies, I guess. Tom of the electric car has renovated his barn and made part of it a stage for storytelling. He shares this space with local artists. It’s the greatest discovery, he tells us, this “sharing”. It makes his life fulfilling. Here are some photos I have to share:

St. Agnes-by-the-Lake Episcopal Church

Boardwalk…or birdwalk?

Enjoy your local color, everyone!

Growing Up Between a Rock and a Hard Place

May 26, 2012 by scillagrace

Life never ceases to enthrall me. The will to take hold and thrive is powerful. Poor soil can take its toll on some plants, but others seem to do just fine clinging to nothing but rock. I admire the adaptability and tenacity of plant life. No excuses. Grow where you are, or become soil for someone else.

But even tough cedars get sappy sometimes.

Friday Adventure

May 25, 2012 by scillagrace

Steve & I went on a driving excursion today through rural Wisconsin. Today’s post will just be a teaser; I promise there will be more substance when I have more time. We began the day by re-reading W. H. Auden’s poem“In Praise of Limestone”. Little did we know that we would chance upon a cave by a river later that afternoon….

I hope everyone can make some stunning discoveries this weekend! Go out and enjoy the world!