Category Archives: Photography
Honoring My Father
George William Heigho II — born July 10, 1933, died March 19, 2010.
Today I want to honor my dad and tell you about how I eventually gave him something in return for all he’d given me.
My dad was the most influential person in my life until I was married. He was the obvious authority in the family, very strict and powerful. His power was sometimes expressed in angry outbursts like a deep bellow, more often in calculated punishments encased in logical rationalizations. I knew he was to be obeyed. I also knew he could be playful. He loved to build with wooden blocks or sand. Elaborate structures would spread across the living room floor or the cottage beach front, and my dad would be lying on his side adding finishing touches long after I’d lost interest. He taught me verse after verse of silly songs with the most scholarly look on his face. He took photographs with his Leica and set up slide shows with a projector and tripod screen after dinner when I really begged him. He often grew frustrated with the mechanics of those contraptions, but I would wait hopefully that the show would go on forever. It was magic to see myself and my family from my dad’s perspective. He was such a mystery to me. I thought he was God for a long time. He certainly seemed smart enough to be. He was a very devout Episcopalian, Harvard-educated, a professor and a technical writer for IBM. He was an introvert, and loved the outdoors. When he retired, he would go off for long hikes in the California hills by himself. He also loved fine dining, opera, ballet, and museums. He took us to fabulously educational places — Jamaica, Cozumel, Hawaii, and the National Parks. He kept the dining room bookcase stacked with reference works and told us that it was unnecessary to argue in conversation over facts.
My father was not skilled in communicating about emotions. He was a very private person. Raising four daughters through their teenaged years must have driven him somewhat mad. Tears, insecurities, enthusiasms and the fodder of our adolescent dreams seemed to mystify him. He would help me with my Trigonometry homework instead.
I married a man of whom my father absolutely approved. He walked me down the aisle quite proudly. He feted my family and our guests at 4 baptisms when his grandchildren were born. I finally felt that I had succeeded in gaining his blessing and trust. Gradually, I began to work through the more difficult aspects of our relationship. He scared my young children with his style of discipline. I asked him to refrain and allow me to do it my way. He disowned my older sister for her choice of religion. For 20 years, that was a subject delicately opened and re-opened during my visits. I realized that there was still so much about this central figure in my life that I did not understand at all.
In 2001, after the World Trade Center towers fell, I felt a great urgency to know my father better. I walked into a Christian bookstore and picked up a book called Always Daddy’s Girl: Understanding Your Father’s Impact on Who You Are by H. Norman Wright. One of the chapters contained a Father Interview that listed dozens of questions aimed at bringing out the father’s life history and the meaning he assigned to those events. I decided to ask my father if he would answer some of these questions for me, by e-mail (since he lived more than 2,000 miles away). Being a writer, this was not a difficult proposition for him to accept. He decided how to break up the questions into his own groupings and sometimes re-phrase them completely to be more specific and understandable and dove in, essentially writing his own memoirs. I was amazed, fascinated, deeply touched and profoundly grateful at the correspondence I received. I printed each one and kept them. So did my mother. When I called on the telephone, each time he mentioned how grateful he was for my suggestion. He and my mother shared many hours reminiscing and putting together the connections of events and feelings of years and years of his life. On the phone, his repeated thanks began to be a bit eerie. Gradually, he developed more symptoms of dementia. His final years were spent in that wordless country we later identified as Alzheimer’s disease.
I could never have known at the time that the e-mails we exchanged would be the last record of my dad’s memory. To have it preserved is a gift that is priceless to the entire family. I finally learned something about the many deep wounds of his childhood, the interior life of his character development, his perception of my sister’s death at the age of 20 and his responsibility in the lives of his children. My father is no longer “perfect”, “smart”, “strict” or any other concept or adjective that I could assign him. He is simply the man, my father. I accept him completely and love and respect him more holistically than I did when I knew him as a child. That is the gift I want to give everyone.
I will close with this photo, taken in the summer of 2008 when my youngest daughter and I visited my father at the nursing home. I had been widowed 6 months, had not yet met Steve, and was anticipating my father’s imminent passing. My frozen smile and averted eyes are fascinating to me. That I feel I must face a camera and record an image is somehow rational and irrational at the same time. To honor life honestly is a difficult assignment. I press on.
Sunday Stroll
Thursday’s trip out to Old World Wisconsin was full of so many wonderful moments that I’m going to take up several posts to cover them all. This one is about the natural world.
Driving County Road Lo west, past farms and ranches and parks, we spotted an animal in the road and stopped. This is what we saw:
I thought this bird might be injured because it did not fly away when we drove past. In fact, an SUV going east almost ran right over it, and it didn’t change course! I decided to put on my fire gloves and see if I could pick it up and move it out of the road. By the time I got within 8 feet of it, though, it flew off. I guess a lady with big green gloves is a lot scarier than a Chevy going 55! Anyway, this is the American Woodcock doing his spring courtship walk. Let me tell you, it’s fun imitating his strut!
One of these days, we’re going to figure out how to bring a sound recorder instead of just a camera with us on our walks. I wasn’t able to catch the Sandhill Cranes on film, and I definitely heard them long before I saw them. They were flying low over the river in the late afternoon sun, their wings so broad and slow they looked like giant butterflies. They were too far away and too brightly bathed in light as I looked west to photograph with my little Lumix. The little red squirrels that chattered and chased each other through the picnic woods were also to difficult to catch on camera. Their color was exactly the same as the iron rust bubbling over the rocks in the spring. We heard a loud “whooo-hoo” from the pines behind the picnic shelter, but alas, no sighting of the owl. Woodpeckers, robins, cardinals, red-winged blackbirds and chickadees lend familiar serenades to our outings, but they don’t come close and hold still for portraits; at least not for me. Their songs definitely fill in the atmosphere, as they’re doing even now while I type and Steve stretches beside me next to our open bedroom window. Here are some nature compositions that I was able to frame:
With a deep appreciation for all life and for being at one with it,
scillagrace
Picnic
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, all you Irish! Especially you, MKM! (My grandmother, Marian Keefe McFarland…at one time her family name was O’Keefe, I hear. RIP)
After my Old World Wisconsin visit, we went into the Kettle Moraine State Forest to picnic, and found a spot at Paradise Springs. Except for a group of excited girls walking the loop trail for a while, it was very quiet. Humanly quiet, that is. We heard Sand Hill cranes and red squirrels and Spring peepers and an owl and chickadees and robins and red-winged blackbirds and cardinals and the bubbling sound from the running spring. We made a fire from downed wood to grill our Italian sausage. After supper, we walked around, and I took some pictures.
All around, things are looking greener. Today we’re heading to the east side of Milwaukee to find a spot near Lake Michigan to sit and read aloud. We’re working on Hermann Hesse’s Narcissus and Goldmund. Steve wants to take me to a restaurant called “Beans and Barley” for lunch. The temperature is supposed to reach 75 F, so there will probably be lots of people on the beach, I’m sure. How are you spending this spring Saturday?
Old World Windows
I am borrowing this post theme from a blogger in the UK, a very artistic (and witty!) photographer whose post you can find here. His windows are truly Old World, mine are from my visit to Old World Wisconsin yesterday. It was a fabulous day for being outside, and I will post more photos throughout the weekend from that trip. Here is my rebuttal to Microsoft:
Enjoy your Friday, folks!
A Day With My Friend
“There’s a giant millipede in your apartment. And one of the rooms is filled with water.”
Those were the first words out of Steve’s sleepy mouth this morning. “Say, what?!” He usually says whatever thing left over from his dreaming thoughts is still floating in his brain when he first wakes up. He rolled over and closed his eyes again. I thought about how every day with him is surprising and interesting and genuine. I told him that I feel very fortunate to have had such a good friend during the past tumultuous 3 years. I wonder how my grief and recovery would have been different without him. Would I still be drinking tumblers of gin after work and crying myself to sleep in an empty house? Would I be knocking on the doors of half-interested acquaintances looking for more attention, more love, more support, parading my needs pathetically about? I don’t know. I believe that I wouldn’t have tried half the things I did without Steve or gotten through the necessary bits quite so well. Steve then asked me what I thought was our best “best friends” photo. We agreed on these:

The first best friend "self-portrait" I shot of us, holding the camera at arm's length, like a teenager would do
Today, we’re heading over to Kettle Moraine State Forest where Old World Wisconsin, the living history museum, is located for our back-to-back job interviews. Ever gone job hunting with your best friend? I did once before, in college. My friend had a summer job as a camp counselor, which I thought would be perfect for me. I went up to interview there and didn’t get offered a job, but I did find a camp closer to home which hired me. I love the feeling of adventure, the unknown, the “let’s just try this; I will if you will!” daring. With a friend beside you, it’s a win-win situation no matter what happens.
So anyway, as my mother would say, “Enuff zis luff-making!” Time to shower and be off! Life is rich; friends are golden!
Spring is Sprung!
Spring is sprung; the grass is rizz….
I wonder where the flowers izz?
Well, that’s the only flower I could find in my garden today, but it’s 73 degrees out, and soon, things will be busting out all over! I took a group of kindergarteners to collect maple sap from the trees, and the spout on the south side of the tree refused to give any. The north side was flowing slowly, enough for each kid to taste a drip. Buds are opening, and sap’s first priority is way over the heads of the little kids.
Tomorrow, we plan to spend the day outside. We actually have job interviews at a living history museum called Old World Wisconsin. Their season starts in May, and their exhibits are 19th century homesteads featuring working farms, home crafts, and costumed interpreters (please pick me!). I would love to work and learn and get paid there! With Steve, too! But I can’t count my chickens before they’re hatched. In any event, it’ll be lovely visiting the site and camping out the rest of the day somewhere in this gorgeous weather.
I think of all the tiny, tender green shoots pushing up through the dead leaf litter, and the words of a song pop into my head: “Up from the ashes grow the roses of success.” Now where did that come from? Oh, “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”, the movie musical. Based on the book by Ian Fleming, no less. A corny video of a bunch of crackpot inventors is available, but I’m not going to include it. I do like to rejoice in the hopeful and positive example of nature. Life goes on. Death is part of it, but not the whole. Green sprouts are a lot more sturdy and virile than they look. All will be well. And maybe I’ll be re-employed soon!
Peace Walk
Yesterday, I blogged several quotes from Thich Nhat Hahn. Last night, I came across a passage in Living Buddha, Living Christ that illuminated my journey through widowhood, change, and doubt.
“One day when you are plunged into the dark night of doubt, the images and notions that were helpful in the beginning no longer help. They only cover up the anguish and suffering that have begun to surface. Thomas Merton wrote, ‘The most crucial aspect of this experience is precisely the temptation to doubt God Himself.’ This is a genuine risk. If you stick to an idea or an image of God and if you do not touch the reality of God, one day you will be plunged into doubt. According to Merton, ‘Here we are advancing beyond the stage where God made Himself accessible to our mind in simple and primitive images.’ Simple and primitive images may have been the object of our faith in God in the beginning, but as we advance, He becomes present without any image, beyond any satisfactory mental representation. We come to a point where any notion we had can no longer represent God.”
“The reality of God”…beyond any notion or representation, there is a reality, an experience. Returning regularly to this experience is what Thich Nhat Hahn refers to as “deep practice”. It requires awareness, mindfulness, being awake and paying attention. What is the experience of being in this living world?
I went for a walk yesterday in a strong wind and looked up to the trees. They were all swaying in their own way, in different directions, at different levels, different speeds. They have no notion that is “wind”. They have an experience.
The river touches the stones and mud in the river bed, it touches the banks, it touches the wind with its surface and reflects the trees that rise high above it. It inhabits its course without a concept or an image of anything.
I enjoy images. I become attached to them. Their primitive simplicity appeals to my limited brain and feels comfortable. I wonder now if that’s why I often become “stuck”. It’s as if I become unable to see the forest because I look so constantly at the trees. The experience of ‘forest’ is so much more.
Every time I take a photo, I put my experience into a frame. Would a frameless view of reality take me beyond my doubts? Beyond my fears?
When I was a cantor at my church, I’d sing a refrain during Vespers, framing the prayers that people offered up in the pews: “Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into life.”
Shepherd me, O God, beyond my doubts, wants, fears, images, and notions…from death into Life.
Meditation
I got myself into a mood last night while Steve was gone. We had mailed out job applications earlier that day for Old World Wisconsin, a seasonal living history museum, and gradually my anxieties about my life and work began escalating. I searched the internet like a magic 8 ball, and the best advice I found was a quote from Teddy Roosevelt, “Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing.”
What is “work worth doing”? How do I want to spend my life’s energy? What is worth it? Am I even worthy of my life if I don’t do something worth doing with it? Steve came home to find me sitting in the dark, staring out the window. “Are you okay?” he asked tentatively. Fortunately, we both have the ability to laugh at our moods, acknowledge them and joke about them and pay attention to them without getting too attached to them. I did some doodling and some stream-of-consciousness writing and played my sopranino recorder a bit to loosen up and allow something to emerge. I fell asleep with this phrase in my head: “Teach peace”.
This morning my thoughts turned to flowers and Thich Nhat Hahn. He is one of the greatest teachers of peace, in my opinion. If you’ve never heard of him, I urge you to do a little research. Reading his books helped me through pivotal stages of grief and anger and crises of faith after my husband died. I got a very personal message from his words, but his vision is for the entire world as well. Peace begins internally and has consequences on a global scale. I do believe that. Today, I invite you to a meditation using Thich Nhat Hahn’s words and photos I took last summer of peonies from our garden. I hope it nudges you awake to the happiness in you…as it did for me!
“If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.”
– Thich Nhat Hahn, Being Peace
“The source of love is deep in us and we can help others realize a lot of happiness. One word, one action, one thought can reduce another person’s suffering and bring that person joy.”
“The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”
“Each moment is a chance for us to make peace with the world, to make peace possible for the world, to make happiness possible for the world.”
― Teachings on Love
“Our notions about happiness entrap us. We forget that they are just ideas. Our idea of happiness can prevent us from actually being happy. We fail to see the opportunity for joy that is right in front of us when we are caught in a belief that happiness should take a particular form.”
”The earth is so beautiful. We are beautiful also. We can allow ourselves to walk mindfully, touching the earth, our wonderful mother, with each step. We don’t need to wish our friends, ‘Peace be with you.’ Peace is already with them. We only need to help them cultivate the habit of touching peace in each moment.”
WALKING MEDITATION
Take my hand.
We will walk.
We will only walk.
We will enjoy our walk
without thinking of arriving anywhere.
Walk peacefully.
Walk happily.
Our walk is a peace walk.
Our walk is a happiness walk.
Then we learn
that there is no peace walk;
that peace is the walk;
that there is no happiness walk;
that happiness is the walk.
We walk for ourselves.
We walk for everyone
always hand in hand.
Walk and touch peace every moment.
Walk and touch happiness every moment.
Each step brings a fresh breeze.
Each step makes a flower bloom under our feet.
Kiss the Earth with your feet.
Print on Earth your love and happiness.
Earth will be safe
when we feel in us enough safety.
– from Call Me by My True Names: The Collected Poems of Thich Nhat Hanh
“Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”
Lamb
In some parts of the world, it’s lambing season. I’ve seen some beautiful photos from bloggers in rural areas, and I want to share my “Lamb” story, too.
Steve and I went on a cross-country camping trip in the summer of 2009. One of our primary destinations was Zion National Park in Utah. We chose to camp in nearby Dixie National Forest. The National Forest designation allows camping free of charge anywhere within the boundaries. The land is also used for other things, which present something of a mystery to me. Houses are built in National Forests. ATV roads and logging operations also exist there. The official motto on many National Forest signs is “Land of Many Uses”. You’re never really sure what the land is being used for until you get there, drive around, and check it out. This was my first experience traveling like this. I was used to researching websites and making reservations with check-in and check-out times. Steve assured me that traveling without plans is mostly safe and more of an adventure. “Be open to what arises” was his Zen-like mantra. This trip would definitely shape our relationship, and I was excited about the possibilities.
After bumping down a narrow ATV road in Steve’s Toyota Camry, we discovered a nice spot in an aspen grove away from the big camper-trailers that had gathered in the valley for an off-road rally event. We parked the car and began to look for level ground to set up the tent. In the quiet of the woods, I heard a faint sound. A bird with an unfamiliar song…rather like the sound of a bleating…goat? “Did you hear that?” I asked Steve. Odd. I picked up a roll of toilet paper and began to look for a likely tree to designate as my powder room. Then I saw her. At the base of an aspen, dirty white fur blended into the leaf cover and the white bark. She let out a mournful cry. “Maa-aa-aa!” Oh, my goodness! “Steve!” She was skin and bones. A dry umbilical cord hung from her belly. Her long tail was caked with mud. She rose and began walking away from us. She was shaky and obviously hungry. We started throwing out questions to each other. What do we have here? (I guessed a goat because sheep don’t have long tails. What did I know?) Where is her mother? She needs help. What should we do? Where can we take her? How do we catch her? How involved do we want to get? Where is the ranger station? How long would it take to get there? It’s getting dark; should we set up camp and make dinner first?
We decided to catch her and drive her toward the ranger station, even though we knew it was closed. I put on my leather fire gloves and picked her up. She weighed almost nothing, but I wanted to be gentle and careful of her sharp hoofs. We set off slowly toward the populated area of the forest and came upon a big, white pickup truck we thought might belong to a ranger. It wasn’t a ranger, but a local who was able to tell us that we had a lamb and that there were free-ranging flocks in the forest. We drove back to camp with this information, hopeful that we’d come upon a shepherd on horseback whom we’d seen earlier. As we set up camp, the lamb stayed close. We tried to feed her milk from a water bottle, but she just didn’t catch on. She was bumping and nuzzling between my legs, looking to nurse. I felt helpless not having the equipment she was seeking. Steve wanted to allow her to sleep in the tent with us that night to keep warm. I feel like an ogre now for saying ‘no’, but I was more “citified” back then. She slept on a blanket just outside the tent with her back against its slope all night. In the morning, we made breakfast, took pictures and figured out a plan.
We decided to take a hike. Perhaps we’d find the shepherd. Perhaps Lamb would find her mother. We set out with Lamb following for a bit, then she turned around and sat at the base of the tent again. We went off toward the valley overlook. Suddenly, I heard a clanking bell sound and the bleating of…SHEEP! The flock was in the valley! We raced back to camp, put Lamb in the car, and drove off to the valley. I will never forget the image of Steve crossing the road with Lamb in his outstretched hands, little legs flailing. It wasn’t so easy as just setting her down off the side of the road, though. Oh, no! She kept following ME! I’d creep as close as I dared to the flock without scaring them further away, set her down and then turn and run toward Steve. He was laughing his head off because bounding behind me with more energy than she actually had was the little Lamb, ears flapping, leaping over the tall grass. Obviously, we had to use more stealth, more trickery. I crept very carefully in toward some ewes, put Lamb beside me and stayed stock still. Finally, she recognized her own kind and started moving toward them. As she moved in, I moved back, until finally there was enough distance between us that she couldn’t see me. She began pursuing the ewes, bleating and trying to nurse. My last vision of her was rather sad. She came up behind a ewe who turned and knocked her off her feet with an angry neck butt. I saw Lamb’s white legs upended in the grass. She hadn’t much strength left, but I hoped her persistence would get her some milk. Or that the shepherd would show up soon. I turned toward the car in earnest and forbid myself to look back.
Of course I’ll never know the exact outcome of our encounter with Lamb. I am grateful for all that she taught us about being open to what arises, talking about how we want to behave toward others, and acting with compassion in the best way we can. That little Lamb was instrumental in our formation in many ways, and I hope that we were able to help her.











































