Category Archives: Memoirs

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Lens-Artists Photo Challenge: Saudade (Longing)

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We met in High School. He was 17; I was 15. He was my first love and the love of my life. All of the songs about first love come to mind: the awakening, the thrill, the thought that no one could ever have felt this powerfully in love before…and yet, of course, so many have. The absolute certainty that this is THE ONE!! We were so young, so hormonal, so smitten, so carefree.

photo by my brother, Dave

I was 21 when we married. I was 22 when we had our first child…28 when we had our fourth and last.

It was only a few months after I took this photo that my husband had his first heart surgery. He was 31. I am so grateful that we had more time to raise our family, to grow up together, to become strong and passionate and faithful.

We got 16 more years. When he died, he was 47 and I was 45.

And now, I’ve been without him for more than 17 years. Those are the numbers, the chronology. But ‘saudade’ is about the feeling. It is about the tapestry of visual memories, of the sound of his glorious tenor voice in song, of feelings I cannot imagine ever having again, of the trust I gave him and the identity I built around him. All of these things I miss. I will feel forever nostalgic, forever bereft, and forever grateful for knowing him. I long for my husband with all that I am, physically, mentally, spiritually. And he is out of reach, yet somehow always accessible inside. Perhaps this is what this foreign word translates to in my own life.

I thank Egidio for introducing me to this word and for the opportunity to introduce Jim to all of you. May you enjoy your longing as something that helps you know that you love.

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Lens-Artists Photo Challenge: Books

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“It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.”
― Oscar Wilde

I want to tell you the story of my eldest child, whom I’ve watched adore books longer than anyone else I know. Forty years ago, when Susan was an infant not more than 6 months old, we’d put her in the playpen to entertain herself with toys and cloth books. She would literally chew the pages. Then we gave her board books with stiff pages that she quickly learned to turn, one by one, as she’d seen us do when we read to her. For her second Christmas, my husband bought her a phonics cassette tape with a workbook. Before she turned three years old, she was sounding out words. By the time she was four, she was reading chapter books like James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl. I’m not joking – we have it on video. When she was older and I found her getting behind in her chores, I tried to take away her reading privileges by turning her bookshelf toward the wall. That was not very effective, as there were things to read all over the house. And someone was always reading.

Susan was an excellent student and competed in Spelling Bees and Scholastic Bowls throughout her schooling. She eventually got a Master’s degree in Linguistics. When she was planning her wedding, she decided to make all of the flowers for the tables at the reception out of old paperback books.

Her best friend since grade school is an elementary school music teacher. Susan is a favorite Auntie to her friend’s children; I caught her one Christmas sharing one of her favorite picture books.

When she visited me in Oregon during the pandemic, we had to visit Powell’s bookstore in Portland. I love to watch her get enthusiastic over almost every title she sees.

“I cannot remember the books I’ve read any more than the meals I have eaten; even so, they have made me.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am continually amazed at the person my baby has become. I am sure that my late husband and I played some part in that, but I have to acknowledge that what she’s read may have played an even bigger part. I admire her thoroughly for her wealth of knowledge and her empathy, and I’m sure that her reading has informed that tremendously. And she has always been able to keep herself entertained and engaged – the world is her playpen now, and she will always have a good book to keep her company.

Thanks, Ritva, for this inspiring challenge and your beautiful images!

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Lens-Artist Photo Challenge: Only One Picture

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“This week it is my turn to present a challenge – and I mean to give us all a real ‘test’. I tend to use several pictures in my posts, and some of us often do – so the challenge is to use only ONE picture. One that you find important, meaningful to you, maybe sending a message – and then explain why you picked just that picture. It is not meant to be a ‘favorite’ picture of yours…” ~ Ann-Christine of the blog “Leya”

What an inspired challenge! I love that this plays right into the wheelhouse of making meaning, not just making images, and that is a place where my mental gears can turn all day long. Especially in a time of confusion, worry, chaos, and sorrow. What a great question to ask repeatedly: “What is important and meaningful now?”

As one who is instinctively visually inspired, I knew that if I scrolled through my media library, one photo would jump out at me. In this case, quite literally.

This is a favorite photo, in fact, because it means so much to me, personally. For the moment, though, I’m imagining I don’t know the specific story, and I’m taking a first look. I think this is an emotion-packed scene. The brooding clouds; the flat, gray shore; the piercing light; the reflection in the puddled foreground; and the exuberant kicking up of the silhouetted figure’s heels. It suggests defiance, courage, enthusiasm (being filled with the Source of Life, which some call God – theos in Greek), hope. The fact that the action is reflected provides even more momentum. These powerful feelings continue and have unimagined after effects. I want to shout “Yes!” when I see it, feel a bracing ocean breeze in my face and a surge of energy. I want to be part of the revolution or revelation that inspired this scene.

The backstory: I traveled to the Oregon coast to visit my adult children in October of 2019. I was considering moving from Wisconsin to the west coast to be closer to them and my family of origin in California. The cross-country move would mean a lot of change, a lot of loss, an unknown step into a new adventure – everything that being alive requires. Playing on the beach with my 30-year old daughter was a timeless and time-filled joy. She has always been physically expressive and unpredictable, laughing and cavorting at any moment. And she has been through the hardest struggles imaginable; the list would astonish you. I hold her entire history in my memory and see her, here, triumphant.

Yes, I moved thousands of miles to be with her and her siblings. I moved during the COVID pandemic when isolation, confusion, and fear effected every decision and every moment. Being on the west coast meant that I was with my mother for her two months in hospice and her death. It means that I have a chance to build a closer relationship with my siblings and my kids. It means that I can be engaged in supporting those I love through hard times and celebrations. It means that I have a lived experience of making another big life change and following it through. Each time I do that, I feel more confident, more hopeful in my ability to continue to do hard things. When I face those challenges and celebrate the outcome, the ripples travel to distant shores I can only imagine.

I share this photo with you with the hope that you will recognize inspiration, courage, and joy in your lived moments.


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Lens-Artists Photo Challenge: Cats and Dogs

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“The cat is such a perfect symbol of beauty and superiority that it seems scarcely possible for any true aesthete and civilized cynic to do other than worship it.”
― H.P. Lovecraft, Cats and Dogs

When I was a tiny child, I harbored the belief that all cats were girls and all dogs were boys. I’m not sure how I formed that notion, but when I mention it in conversation, sometimes there’s another person who also remembers thinking that. The first family pet we had joined the household when I was about seven years old – a male cat – and I had to abandon my theory.

“The dog appeals to cheap and facile emotions; the cat to the deepest founts of imagination and cosmic perception in the human mind.” ― H.P. Lovecraft, Cats and Dogs

I was afraid of dogs for many years. When I was five or six years old, I was running on the shore of Lake Michigan in front of our family cottage when an Irish setter spotted me and presumably thought I was a potential playmate. He started running toward me, and I started running away, probably screaming. I could hear an adult voice in the distance yelling, “King! King! Come back!” When the dog caught up to me, he jumped up and knocked me over. I was sure I was about to be eaten. The dog’s owner finally appeared and told me that King was a friendly dog and calmed us both down a bit. But I wanted nothing more to do with dogs for a long, long time. In fact, it wasn’t until my adult children had their own dogs that I really began to learn to trust and bond with canines.

At this point in my life, I find myself stepping in to care for friends’ pets when they are traveling. I have learned a lot from my kids about pet care and pet psychology. There’s a sweet reality TV show produced in the U.K. call “The Dog House” which films the matching of rescue dogs with people searching for canine companions. The backstories on each episode illustrate that we are all searching for safety and love, even as we are all uniquely quirky.

Dogs and cats provide a very important service to us humans by teaching us compassion and responsibility. Learning to love and care for a living being that doesn’t look like you, speak your language, eat the same foods or behave in the ways you would is a very important developmental process. I think it helps us be better parents and citizens of the world.

May I update my theories when evidence proves them inaccurate. May I be at least as kind to other humans as I would be to pets.

Our Challenge host this week, Tina, has put together a stunning display of photos of cats and dogs both tame and wild. Do visit to see for yourself! Click HERE.

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Lens-Artists Photo Challenge: Favorite Images of 2023

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My favorite photographic reminders of 2023:

I will remember the mutual benefits and joys of supportive friendships whenever I see this photo of Hunter, my friend’s cat that I stayed with for more than two weeks during the winter holidays. Hunter is a very affectionate cat, a perfect emotional support professional.

I took the photo above while I was watching a different friend’s cats, who were too afraid to come out of the closet for days. There is beauty in warmth, and beauty in chill. What Life brings is a gift. Appreciating all that Life brings is a practice.

This photo of the Yaquinta lighthouse will always remind me of an acute shift in perspective, from the minutiae of my own thoughts to the realization of vast forces unfettered by attempts at “meaning”.

In the hallway of a museum in New Mexico, I found balance and peace and space, even though I was far from home in unfamiliar surroundings.

A spider camouflaged by flowering bear grass reminds me that slowing down to notice Life on a smaller scale reveals beauty and complexity and mystery.

I snapped this photo of my brother and his dog walking in their new neighborhood two months ago, and it reminds me that change is the nature of life, and that adapting to it requires support and cooperation.

This photo of the Georgia O’Keefe museum in Santa Fe reminds me that venturing out is worth the anxiety. There are bright, sunny, beautiful things to see in the wider world.

I love the playfulness and sweetness of new friends and having fun. This photo brings those memories to mind.

When I am tempted to grow bored with the familiar, I like being reminded to look again, look deeply, and notice with joy the abundance of beauty in the world.

And finally, reflection is good for my soul. There is always a different way to frame things, to appreciate what IS. I appreciate the Lens-Artists community and celebrate its growth in sharing images and stories across the globe. Thank you for supporting creativity and humanity! Thank you, Tina, for hosting this week’s challenge and sharing your beautiful favorite images of 2023. Click HERE to see her post.

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Lens-Artists Photo Challenge: Kitchen Inspiration

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My mug shot:

Our guest host for this week has come up with a brilliant theme: Inspiration from the Kitchen. Her blog post shows an incredible artistry with this subject and technically stunning photographs. Do visit!

The subject of kitchens, of food and hearth, the center of a home, strikes a very emotional place for many of us, I suspect. Looking at the rich textures and sumptuous opulence of some of the photos I’ve seen so far, I began to feel rather sad, perhaps…nostalgic? I live in a studio apartment, and my kitchen is a simple L-shaped corner of the 700 square feet of my dwelling. This is my first time living alone. My kitchen doesn’t make me think of beauty or art or pride. However, I took a closer look and created a Mug Shot that has great meaning for me. The coffee mug was a Christmas gift from my housemates who live on the other side of the wall. They welcomed me to Oregon with this amazing opportunity to live deep in the woods on family-owned property going back generations. The backdrop is a painting done by my daughter-in-law, who is the most creative and inspirational cook I know. Her smoked/marinated/grilled/sauced/garnished dishes show layers and layers of cultural influence and bold experimentation. The cutting board was also a gift from a family member. It is wooden and incredibly useful, and I’m really glad to have it. So, in my kitchen, I find I am supported by friends and family, which is comforting because otherwise I might simply stand alone eating ingredients over the kitchen sink.

My heritage…

I grew up in awe of my mother’s mastery at cooking and serving gourmet meals. She created grand, formal dinners at my father’s request. I was not permitted to help in any truly participatory fashion. I could do small tasks. For family dinners, I could make a salad. When she was making a pie, I could pray that the top crust could be lifted and placed perfectly without cracking. My mother called this pie-praying. I was not allowed to touch. I was the youngest of four daughters, and I know her culinary skills were handed down to my oldest sister. As the mother of four of my own, I know that sometimes it’s just easier to do it yourself. I do not harbor any ill-will about this chapter of a complex family history. It’s just a fascinating scenario. We are all influenced by such basic stories.

The photo above shows a demitasse cup and saucer that I took before the sale of my mother’s estate as a small reminder of the dining room china – 12 settings, decorated in platinum. My mother collected several different sets of china, thinking that each of her four daughters would need one. However, life and lifestyles have changed. Her grandchildren have absolutely no desire to own china. Lace tablecloths fill the drawers of the curio cabinet I inherited from my mother-in-law. And I sit alone at my grandmother’s cherry dining table as I type this. Two leaves are hidden below the tabletop. There could be 8-10 people around it…and there have been at times, years ago.

But my everyday life is not lace and china and silver. It’s Douglas Fir trees and hiking boots and granola in a dish from the dollar store.

And that is my inspiration and my cup of tea right now.

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Lens-Artists Photo Challenge: Flower Favorites and their stories

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Unlike our host this week, Ann-Christine of Leya (sounds like a princess’ name, and indeed she is Lens-Artist royalty!), I do not grow flowers or keep a garden. However, I have loved and cherished them and have stories of how they have made happiness bloom in my life.

Lilacs

My first favorite flower is the Lilac. There was a row of lilac bushes that belonged to our next-door neighbor that sat on the dividing line of our properties. When they bloomed for two short weeks in early summer in Illinois, their fragrance intoxicated me. I wanted to cut the bunches and bring them to my room so that I could smell them as I went to sleep. I was soon instructed by my mother that first, they weren’t mine, and second, they would quickly drop their blossoms and become a mess to clean up inside. I vowed that when I grew up, I would have my own lilac bushes and surround myself with their lovely perfume. I missed lilacs while living in California, but my husband planted dwarf lilacs for Mother’s Day at our house when we moved back to Illinois. Then he took me to the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island in Michigan, where they have a Lilac Festival each year, and he bought me a small bottle of lilac essence, which I dabbed on my skin with sheer delight until it was all gone.

Fringed Gentian
Fringed Gentian, open

Fringed Gentian was a legend on the restored prairies of land protected by the Cedar Lakes Conservation Foundation of Wisconsin, where I worked for five years. I had never heard of this early Fall flower before or seen it until I was in my 50s. One September day, my friend Jerry (on the Board of the Foundation and their main trail steward) called me up and told me to grab my camera – the Gentians were up! I was absolutely enthralled by their tightly twisted blooms that opened to four fringed petals of blue perfection.

Rose

The Rose speaks of love silently
In a language known only to the heart

My late husband, Jim, loved roses. He gave me lots of them. He gave me the crystal plaque with the above inscription when I was in High School. It sits in the curio cabinet I inherited from his mother. Next to it is an acrylic-coated and gold-tipped rose, a souvenir from the weekend we spent together at a couples’ resort, a mini-vacation from our four kids. I love roses with the deep scent of raspberries; the soft, furry sweetness of their aroma is a heaven of blissful indulgence. They speak of romance and exclusive preference, to me. They will always remind me of Jim. I have moved into houses where rose bushes were left behind in the garden. The blooms were always a gift, not something I felt I had earned. I suppose that’s totally appropriate for a love flower, and why it is so very special.

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Lens-Artists Photo Challenge: Summer Vibes

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“Summer afternoon—summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language.”
― Henry James

What will you be doing with your summer days, my Northern Hemisphere friends? This is the question and the challenge from our guest blogger of the week, Andre of Solaner in Germany. Beginning tomorrow, I will be backpacking along the Coast in Olympic National Park for four days. I am excited – on many levels! It will be a physical challenge, an emotional high, a journey in soulful wilderness, and eventually an unforgettable memory. I’m hoping to have some great pictures to share!

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Lens-Artists Photo Challenge: Seeing Double

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“There is one art of which man should be master, the art of reflection.”
― Samuel Taylor Coleridge

“Without reflection, photography literally wouldn’t be possible. Without spiritual reflection, photography wouldn’t be meaningful. May the art you create bring you greater awareness, greater light!” I wrote that on my blog of December 22, 2018 in response to Patti’s Lens-Artist challenge that week.

In my March 7, 2020 blog post, I reflected on the changes I had been through during my cross-country pandemic move. I wrote, “Writing in this blog, storing photographs and memories, was a way to plant the seeds of realization. In my words and pictures, I remind myself who I truly am and see who I am becoming.”

This morning, it is Jez who invites the hunt for reflections with an amazing collection of great photo examples. Visit his post HERE.

The opportunity to see double – to revisit, to reflect, to look again from a new perspective – is a great gift. It often reveals treasures overlooked, depth unfathomed. It’s a practice worth repeating, regularly or periodically. New light can emerge from shadows, reflected from sources once obscured.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

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Lens-Artists Photo Challenge: Geometry

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“There is geometry in the humming of the strings, there is music in the spacing of the spheres.” ― Pythagoras

What is the shortest distance between two points? What is the shortest distance between two people? What is the angle of intersection when you are happy? And when you are lonely?

“He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of a probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance”
― Dominic Miller, “The Shape of My Heart”

How do you build something structurally sound to house kindness, joy, courage, love, resilience? In a Universe of fact and feeling, of truth and spirit, how do you dwell in the spaces outlined by a complexity of ideas?

Aldo Leopold Shack

Geometry was my favorite subject my freshman year of High School. I liked my teacher; I liked that this kind of math was narrative. I was brand new to the school and to the state. In my 14-year-old brain, I was trying to figure out so much about how the world worked and how I fit in it. I was confused by many things, but I could follow geometry step-by-step and prove something. By the end of Freshman year, I had gained confidence and made some friends. ‘Geometry’, to me, will always symbolize a description of complexity in the cosmos that seems ordered and friendly, mysterious and vast, but approachable.

Thank you to Patti for this Challenge theme!