Inside My Head: Fear

I noticed it right away.  My heart beat faster and my thoughts proliferated out of control.  Every twinge of muscle, of intestine, of nervous skin was magnified.  I wanted to run, to turn back the clock, to un-make this reaction.  I struggled to assert my Rational brain.  “Emotional reactions are not the Truth.  They are a human phenomenon, but they are not Right or Wrong.”  How do I act, what are my choices, given this rising tide of Fear?  I immediately decide on Function.  I later decide on Communication.  I notice that when I begin to dismantle the wall of Function, I feel very vulnerable.  My nose prickles, my eyes moisten.  I entrust myself  to a Listener.  I dare myself to be Honest. 

fearFear is at the dinner table, and we let it talk.  It is mostly about The Unknown.  What will happen?  What will my options be?  Will it hurt?  I am uncomfortable.  I squirm.  I weep.  I want to flee, but I stay put.  I keep talking.  Memories of pain join the conversation.  I don’t want to return to that place.  I realize that I can’t return to that place.  Each place is different.  Life moves forward; we flow with it.  Now that my emotions and thoughts are freed from repression, I feel movement in myself.  It is comforting.  I am unstuck, calmer.  And exhausted.  How much energy it takes to be afraid!  I will sleep, and use my energy differently tomorrow.

© 2014, essay and photograph, Priscilla Galasso, All rights reserved

5 thoughts on “Inside My Head: Fear

  1. You really allowed me to experience that emotion, Priscilla. It made me recall a time back in ’86 when I went to San Salvador after an enormous, deadly earthquake to help nurse. Each day I visited a small shantytown down in a deep gorge. To get there, I had to walk across a active train trestle that had no railings over that gorge. At nighttime I would start to fret about the next day. Just thinking of it now makes the palms of my hands sweat.

  2. Oh..I really do know this emotion absolutely..so brilliantly put. I don’t think we ever revisit exactly the same place in the same way..but it’s memory can haunt for sure..courage is a must! 🙂

    • It’s kind of a two-faced thing, fear. You don’t want to go back to it, but you’ve been through it before, many times, and so you know you will handle it somehow. But you don’t want to!

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